Okay? Now What... #01
How to sustain my internal coherence when others are unconsciously testing or expecting the old version of you?
I’ve noticed that in my closest relationships, old dynamics often resurface even after I’ve done deep work on myself. Subtle tests, expectations, or attempts to elicit reactions appear long after I thought I had moved beyond these patterns. The same loop repeats across family, friendships, and romantic connections: people respond to the version of me they once knew, not the person I am now. What hurts is feeling the pull to respond or regulate others, even when I know it no longer serves me. I’m learning to hold my own field, remain steady, and observe without collapsing, yet this brings its own fatigue and subtle dissonance in my body. I can see the old roles, both in myself and in others, but I want to engage without performing, without losing my autonomy, and without creating disconnection. I’m trying to understand how to maintain this new level of coherence while staying connected, and how to model autonomy in ways that ripple meaningfully without triggering defensiveness or collapse. My question is: how can I honor my boundaries and personal growth while still being present and influential in complex relational systems? Thank you for holding space for this reflection.
How can I sustain my internal coherence when others are unconsciously testing or expecting the old version of me?
— Onga
Dear Onga,
I have sat with many people struggling with what you describe in your letter. There is a pattern I’m noticing in the undercurrents, and I’m wondering if you see it or even feel it too. The pattern is externalization. Despite the “deep work,” these tests keep showing up. The fatigue you mention makes sense. Why? Imagine we’re at the gym and you’re using the battle ropes. Many of us grip the shit out of those ropes and overexert our arms to make the waves. That’s what we’re doing cognitively and somatically. So yes—fatigue is inevitable, even when we’ve done the work. Over time, other people’s behaviors do begin to roll off us like water-resistant fabric. But there’s a middle phase that’s exhausting. Right now, it sounds like you’re in a simmer state working very hard to stay within your window of tolerance while also resisting the pull to react in old ways. Ways that the people around you may be unconsciously trying to draw you back into.
This stage is often the hardest.
When regulation skills are implemented and old roles are no longer performed, the system gets uncomfortable. Families, friendships, and partnerships are homeostatic systems, they seek familiarity. When one person changes, the system often applies pressure to restore equilibrium. That’s usually when the “pull” begins. This is where we want to let go of the battle roping and begin practicing radical acceptance. Often, our protector parts are still quietly running in the background—anticipating, monitoring, bracing. They siphon mental and nervous system energy, which shows up as exhaustion. Understand, Seeing the roles that you clearly are able to see, that isn’t a failure, regression, or a set back. It’s a gift. A bloody uncomfortable one, yes. It’s a gift nonetheless. You are still in the role of the observer, which signals integration—not regression.
Some questions to consider:
What does living without performing look and feel like for you?
What happens in your body when you don’t step in to regulate others?
What can you do for yourself to sit with that physiological emotion instead of reaching to regulate others, or spiraling in yourself?
A statement you might offer yourself when you feel tested:
“This is not mine to pick up. This is a pull to revert to an old role. That role is no longer me. I can let this be.”
This kind of self-talk reinforces differentiation. Even when the urge appears, you are not actually returning to the role, you’re noticing it and that is a win. That distinction matters. The next layer of the work is redirecting the nervous system when the urge to regulate others arises. That urge exists because of conditioning, because there was once distress or consequence when you didn’t manage others’ emotional states. This is where loop interruption lives. For me, this sometimes looks like physically walking away, placing my attention on something neutral or regulating—a song, a scent, a sound. Sometimes it’s as simple as stepping into the bathroom to reconnect with myself and my body. It’s also important to name this clearly: ego often convinces us that regulation must be externalized, that we are responsible for maintaining harmony.
That’s A trap.
Try not to put pressure on yourself to elicit changed behavior from others. That is a full-time job you don’t get paid for. We focus on what is within our control. Over time, the shift becomes embodied and modeled. This doesn’t guarantee others will change but people do eventually learn that certain behaviors no longer work. And eventually, you realize it wasn’t them who changed. It was you. Your protector part no longer waits, anticipates, or braces for the pull. You already know what the environment is like. This time, you enter it knowing what you’re willing and unwilling to do when you’ve had enough.
🫶🏽
P.S. Just because people expect it doesn’t mean you have to give it to them 😉
—Sav
Thank you for being here with us.
All of you.