Rewiring Out of Resentment In Order To Regain Connection.
The Connection Reset Series: Activity One
How many of you are navigating or have navigated a relationship where resentment built up over time so much so that — the gap got too big to repair?
The more I work with couples within all frequencies of conflict levels, the more I realize just how much this work is all rooted in the same emotional frequencies. Remember those Tron highways I have mentioned? Yeah, well— many of us are frequent flyers on the chaos highway. So much so that in our relationships, the amount of dismissiveness, defensiveness, contempt, disrespect, and stonewalling makes many feel like roommates. So close but feeling so far away. This has become normalized as well.
What I also seem to have noticed is, us pesky little humans are so unique in the way in which we avoid the shadow within. The result of this avoidance impacts the filtration system of our minds, which has been stuck in the resentment loop for so long it has disoriented the filtration system. What this means is, what you are taking in from the environment has been contaminated. Contaminated narratives must be named, but how can they be named if we as individuals do not know they are contaminated to begin with?
Couples can maintain the dance of anger, conflict, and disconnect long enough because the level of frustration towards each other is high but not high enough for them to leave…. just yet.
What does that tell you?
I believe many do not leave despite tensions being high for a long time because we really don’t want to walk away from the marriage. So, we must get very clear on the why…
Do you not want to walk away because you are scared? Or do you not want to walk away because you have hope?
What happens if you know that nothing will change with your partner, yet you still stay?
Now, reflect on the last time you and your partner or whoever this other person is for you. It can even be a family member or even a friend. You can apply this to whoever the role is but for the sake of this discussion let’s focus romantic relationships. Now, for couples in high conflict or high level of disconnect, have you tried going out to a date? Doing something fun?
Or do you argue on the way there?
Or while you are there?
Or even the night fore you get there?
Reflect on the last time you both laughed together.
I am convinced this is the nervous systems anticipatory system live at work. Since the duo has been in the cyclical dynamic for so long the resentment spreads fast like mold. Infecting the connection creating further disconnection between the couple. How can you get any skills used, any listening & understanding to occur when couples just want to rehash their version of the marital tension. Sometimes it feels absolutely impossible to imagine joy, laughter, fun— in seasons or cycles of disconnect and resentment.
BUT…
What if you interrupted the whole thing with — fun?
Sounds weird right? But not just “plan a date” fun by going to eat at yet another restaurant. I mean something intentional where you may even have to interact with other people. It can be a concert, comedy show, sporting event, bbq, community event, recreational activity. Anything that can get you and your partner out of the house, in a new environment, engaging in a way that has absolutely nothing to do with the marriage and the problems or discussions of having them.
Just fun.
Ladies, you still with me?
I know this seems difficult. Especially because this falls inline with one of the natural abilities I believe men have access to the most.
The ability to compartmentalize, and ladies, this is a skill we could really develop.
To start this plan we mutually think of “for how long?”
Now, the ideal goal would be to plan for 3 consecutive days, for an initiation jumpstart period, before implementing the weekly goal. The 3 day consecutive practice assists the nervous system’s anticipatory threat system for the change in behavior of the couple. Otherwise the amygdala, which doesn’t have eyes, will grow suspicious of the changed behavior because it has grown use to the storms of chaos. So when one person or both people in the couple decide to activate this activity of joy by picking something to do and doing it, the amygdala — IT WILL— send you thoughts or beliefs to get you to doubt joy being something you can experience or even achieve together.
That’s the lie.
It is very important that when this doubt shows up, you are ready and on the lookout. It’s not going to occur just in you, it will occur in your partner. Since many couples are attuned to the stress responses of each other. You will pick it up from your partner especially for those who are highly attuned to their partners stress responses. You will be able to feel the distortion narratives are impacting them the same way they can feel that shift radiating off of you. Key behaviors to look for when this arises are: nitpicking, managing, complaining, hovering, getting an attitude, contempt, finding something to argue about as a means to stall or abort the mission. These are resistance systems. The nervous system uses these to pull the couple back into their conflict gridlock dance.
This is how we stay stuck in the dance.
It takes one to be willing to step out…
When you are ready and prepared for what will and might happen for you during this activity, you will be equipped to handle the doubt that comes before the somatic memory activates within the body. Once the bodies somatic interpretation turns on it brings on that activated sensation making it a lot more difficult to push against that level of discomfort and continue the work without caving into a fight.
This work is all about building the resiliency to discomfort. Let’s work smarter—not harder, and make that resistance as small as we can.
If you cannot get this done in 3 consecutive days, then try it on the days you can. But it starts with a plan!
One thing I tell myself daily is.
How can my present self help my future self?
Decide before the week starts what the activity will be and what days and times the couple (you and your partner) will do it.
Then commit to showing up.
The key here is to give the couples joint brain and nervous system a shiny new silver toy to look at. This can even be board games, pool games if you are lucky to have a pool at home, or even video games. You can even call people and make it a social gathering. Yes, it means actually getting involved and doing something intentionally. All of this guides you out of the mind and into the present through activity. When it’s outside of itself, it cannot loop in the self-destruction of distortions, meaning-making, or catastrophizing.
Something I am really learning about myself within my own marriage is just how much my nervous system resists repair because it either:
Doesn’t trust it or
Doesn’t think the change will last.
Such a positive mindset to hold right? That’s a side effect of the resentment infection especially when it’s chronic.
What I see often what I hand the system a strategy:
“already tried it, and it just made it xyz____”
“S/he won’t____ I know him/her”
“It won’t last more than 2 weeks, after S/he goes right back…”
“It’s not going to matter anyways…”
Fortune tellers yeah?
These are also distortions. You won’t be able to see any change in your future when you are digging up images of the past. Your emotional frequency has built up resentment in it. The only way to truly let go of resentment in order to do this activity is to literally put it down. If you don’t know how to do that metaphorically speaking, then write all that you resent about your partner on paper and literally hold it in your hand.
Go on...
Write it out, pen to paper.
Hold that paper in your hand.
Fold it up.
Date it.
Now, before each activity, you pick this folded up paper, or keep it flat, hold it, and state the following out loud or make up your own variation.
“ I have been carrying this for too long, I am putting it down so I can give my partner and I, especially myself the gift of joy and laughter. I deserve it, We deserve it, The relationship/ marriage deserves it.
I am putting it down …”
Then put it down.
Get a nice little spot for it if you really want to make this practice your own. Or simply leave it in a file, folder, whatever it is but have that physical piece of paper.
This can serve as an anchoring practice for your mind to have something to physically do. Pick up the resentments (on paper— put down the resentments, put down the paper) For those of you like me, who might struggle with abstract forms of letting go. You can even go as far to getting a small journal for this and each time, write it down before the activity as a ritualistic release of the resentment before proceeding with the joy activity. This is very intentional work.
Honestly, If we as humans really look at ourselves and our relationship. Can we be honest with ourselves? We aren’t really trying at all. We are sampling.
Sampling strategies to see which gives us the immediate feedback loop we need instead of building a new system that involves consistency.
Sampling intellect and where to regurgitate it.
Sampling “skills” just to say they didn’t work.
Sampling anything we can to support our stagnation.
We can’t stand when our partners are on “their best behavior” for 2 weeks and then it goes right back to how it was.
But did anyone rehearse a different option? Did you commute to the interaction rehearsing in your mind the best possible outcome, or just the same outcome you are used to because you “know them and this is just how it is?”I know many think this mind-work stuff is cliché, but just look at how addicted our society has gotten to technology just within the last six years. (Counting since the 2020 isolation times, which is a key data point.) That’s how profound of an impact the digital world has on us, yet we take that power and its level to impact connection for granted.
Think about all the information running through our minds daily. We don’t even have to leave our homes to be told how our lives should be and our relationships should look. Instead, we take a daily psychological beating from the cozy comfort of our own couches and beds—completely willingly.
At this point, we basically volunteer as tribute.
Now, Lets talk steps.
In order to rewire to reconnection we ALL must learn to build your resistance to discomfort. You have to be willing to see how much discomfort shows up for the relationship without caving to resist the discomfort. What I mean by this is. Some times in this work it means taking the first step out of the loop and just diverting the attention to an olive branch, apology, invitation, a meal. Something that says
🏳️“truths”
Resentment is such a tricky emotion that it is hard to bypass it regardless and still be loving, kind, affectionate, do the “wife” or “husband” duties.
If your thoughts come up with “but…why should I…??”
That’s a die off symptoms of exiting the loop. When we exit the loop of resentment we start to have die off symptoms.
“Why should I be the one to initiate.” “Why should I be the one to ask.” “Why should I….etc.”
This is egoic pollution. This is the fog clouding up the lens to the filtration system. We have to push through and do it anyways, the same way you smize through your teeth at someone in your workplace. You do it anyways. The way you still give your kids, some of them very disrespectful to you, that unconditional love anyways. So the muscle is there. The choice to use it with your partner is your own.
This is going to be an open tab discussion (series) where we first unpack this slowly and intentionally. I will share my insights and even transparencies of navigating some of these complexities myself. At the end of each essay, there will be reflective questions for you to explore further. I am hoping for this to be a guided experience so we can all share what each other is going through and how you navigate the discomfort of resisting joy for a greater cause—repair in the marriage.
Ready?
Directions
Your goal is to schedule and complete a chosen activity ideally three days in a row for an initiation jumpstart period, which helps prepare your nervous system’s anticipatory threat system for the change in behavior. If consecutive days are not possible, schedule the activity on the days you can, but decide on the specific activity, days, and times before the week begins. Choose a physical activity or bodily movement such as walking, hiking, bike riding, or playing sports—to get your body moving and your brain outside of itself. To shift your brain’s focus further, you can invite friends, visit a recreation center, or join a local group. Once the plan is set, you must commit completely to showing up.
The Rules
Commit to showing up and achieving the completion of the activity. If you signed your kid up for a season of sports and on the second practice they wanted to quit, would you allow that? We finish what we start. The key here is to get the emotional field cleared from the resentment fog so you can see the emotional climate from a clean state rather than a tainted one.
Go in with an open mind and a willingness to work on what is happening within you, not your partner. This is an exposure therapy portal to your own inability to face fun or joy without the mind turning it negative.
Practice active redirection. When your mind wants to loop you back into resentment narratives, you must consciously redirect yourself back to the present moment/ activity.
Journal your data and thoughts. Use your journal as a tool to hold your version of the data so it is accurate to the moment and not exaggerated by a future heightened state.
Work on sitting in silence if you have nothing to say to each other, instead of bringing up past conflicts just to fill up the space.
Track your actual data so it does not get lost. Score your mood on a scale of 1 to 10 (the higher the better) both before and after the activity. Reflect on your experience and save this information so you have real data to compare later, rather than relying on memories enhanced by confirmation bias.
Create a code work such as “TIME OUT” if a door was opened and the hallway is heading for conflict. Continue on to the activity.
If you are faith based, spiritual based. These are fantastic opportunities to call in the word, your higher power, or set an intention. Great ways to redirect the mind.
Here is Round 1 of Reflection Prompts.
What emotional payoff might you secretly be receiving from staying emotionally guarded?
What is holding on to resentment protecting you from? Does resentment protect you from vulnerability, disappointment, grief, rejection, surrender, softness, or accountability?
Can you remember a time when you weren’t ‘monitoring’ your partner? What else could you be doing with that time?
What “evidence” has your nervous system been collecting to confirm your resentment story? Now ask yourself: What evidence has it been filtering out?
If joy, play, novelty, affection, movement, laughter, or physical closeness returned to the relationship tomorrow… would your nervous system trust it?
Or would part of you immediately prepare for its disappearance?
Why?
Have you become more emotionally committed to being understood… than to creating connection?
The key with this mission of adding joy back into the relational field of the couple is to get the field cleared from the resentment fog. That way the couple can see the emotional climate clearly from a clean state rather than a tainted one 🫶🏽.
