🌅Soft Hours Vol 2: When The Connection Isn't Clean (+ an announcement🥳)

On People Pleasing, Therapeutic Alliance, and the Felt Sense of Safety

Before we drop into today’s Soft Hours reflection, I want to let you in on something that’s been quietly forming behind the scenes...

Something sacred.
Something structured.
Something that invites you closer.

I will share this at the end. ✨🥰 hehe…

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✨🧙🏽‍♀️ If you’ve ever left a conversation feeling like you betrayed yourself, this one’s for you. Let’s talk about the undercurrent.

Hello Data Collectors!

This morning my brain was squirrel’n.

Thinking about how important rapport and alliance-building is in the field of mental health. I found myself reflecting, with nuance obvi ☺️— The thought I had to myself.
“Damn, this field: therapists, coaches, psychiatrists, etc.—they can be deeply manipulative too, especially toward patients and clients.”

Do you see why people pleasers can actually be dangerous? Not just in helping roles, but also relationally too! You never truly know if the rapport they’re offering is authentic or if it’s an unconscious strategy to mask discomfort through over-accommodation or a forced trying of “I’m so flexible and cool.” This is something I’ve had to examine deeply in my own behavior—as a former people pleaser. How many times did what I say not match what I actually felt, thought, or said to myself later?
How often was there a misalignment between my internal dialogue and the words that left my mouth?

That’s when the undercurrents show up.
The inner huffing and puffing.
The resentment that builds silently.
We agree to host the holiday gathering, but deep down, we don’t want to.

Growing up, I could always feel those undercurrents. What I call the TRON-glow effect that neon-threaded, invisible highway of unspoken or suppressed communication that most people don’t even notice.Because it’s not visible to the eye.
It’s felt. Like the light trails in TRON, these emotional signals pulse through the room. Subtle, electric, and often denied. Only those who’ve lived this way will know exactly what I’m talking about.

So, as clinicians—yes, the connection may be questionable.
I think about this from the lens of someone like me: where insecure attachment eventually becomes secure. (That doesn’t mean the nervous system won’t still experience what I call “relapse.” That’s normal. I view those moments as self-tests. Little life check points to make sure we’re serious about never abandoning ourselves again.)

Sometimes we pass those tests.
Sometimes we fail.
Sometimes we miss the opportunity altogether—leading to stagnation, or drifting.

That’s why this work—this career—must involve the heart. No relationship can thrive when ego is lurking in the shadows. If we are working with those who already struggle with insecure attachment. How will they ever feel safe withus? This poses a question for the concept of double binds, but let me stay on track. The same goes for therapy. I think of Carl Rogers, Irvin Yalom, Carl Jung, Aaron Beck just to name a few whose philosophies I embody. Because I truly believe that genuine rapport is critical.

Not frenemy vibes.

Not “Ooo let me hear how they suffer so I can feel better about myself” social hour. (Yes, that happens.) Just two humans, one who sincerely cares about the other’s safety and wellbeing—engaging in a dance of connection, built through presence, attunement, and acknowledgment. This doesn’t mean there’s no challenge. This doesn’t mean there’s no accountability. One thing my clinical work has taught me through thousands of subtle data points is this:
Humans need to feel like they belong.
We need to know: I’m not alone in this.

Not in a “misery loves company” kind of way, but in a way that heals. The kind that says: Grab my hand. Lift your chin up. I see you. It’s a reminder that yin and yang are always in motion. That we shouldn’t get too comfortable only receiving pleasantries and dopamine the way the algorithm conditioned us to. That we are more than consumers of content and comfort. We are higher beings. (I know—crunchy language. This is where you get to shine: Try practicing mental hoodie swaps—if the words I use don’t fit, just swap them. You wouldn’t keep wearing a hoodie I handed you if it was too tight, right? Same thing. Let your mind stretch into what does fit.
….and hey… Did you see what I did with that hoodie line 👀? That was a test on people-pleasing. ☺️

Anways, We are resilient. Determined. Adaptive.
Whether we believe it or not. We’ve built some of the most advanced technologies the world has ever seen and yet we’re slowly emotionally imploding because of those same technologies. Sure, this might sound like an overgeneralization to someone on the outside. But if you’re part of my Safari, if you ride through this metaphorical jungle with me You know my perspective is just one grain of sand. One thread in the web. That’s the beauty of human nuance.

From my lens…

The fact that there are people willing to try on my sunnies and see through them —Notice I said See through them, not just look. That means something. Not to keep them on forever, but to add them to your growing collection of nuanced perspectives. 🕶️😎

That ability to try on another’s lens without collapsing is what develops critical thinking. It’s the mark of emotional maturity. The capacity to hold multiple truths at once. It’s what builds connections/relatinoships through attunement.

It’s what I call:

Holding 💩 with gloves on.
(Which introduces the next essay: Don’t Touch Without Gloves On. A Mindfulness-based Perception Practice )

I will be getting that to y’all next week!

What came up for you during this Soft Hours sesh?

This one is here to be that Hum you hear in the background but can’t pinpoint where it’s coming from. Let this move through you during your day. So you can catch the moments where what you say and what you think are not in allignment. What sister Shivani calls “unpure” energy. If we are retiring from people pleasing we must learn to feel brave in our own authentic truth.

My guidance would be to watch the movie on Netflix The Last Word. Beautiful message if you can see it. 😊 Ironic how that happens right?

I hope you all find softness during your weekend.

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🔔 Closing Announcement (membership news)

If you’ve made it this far into this reflection, thank you.
I want to end with something I’ve been holding in my heart for a while now:

The Sanctuary is coming.
A dedicated space for those of you who’ve been quietly collecting truths alongside me—who crave more than content.
More reflection.
More belonging.
More access.
More moments that bring you back to yourself.

For $15/month, here’s what’s unfolding inside:

• 📚 A new scholarly article every week, grounded in research and reflection

• 🎧 My voiceover versions of those essays—with added commentary, riffs, and spoken nuance that didn’t make it to the page

• 🕯️ Weekly Soft Hours™ drops—my signature slow-burn essays, just like this one

• 🎙️ Audio-based voice notes and podcasts—raw, real, and unfiltered

• 🧠Entry into the Lecture Hall: Sancuary Edition—where I teach frameworks, break down case studies, and walk through key Safari concepts

• 📓 The Weekly Ledger™—a digest of the on-screen clinical captions in my videos that you all love + a “Highlights from the Streets” column where I reflect on human behavior, themes from comment sections, DMs, and cultural patterns I’ve observed

• 💬 Access to monthly Live Q&As with me—where we get to process and connect in real time

• 🛍️ Special discounts + early access on live intensives, courses, and event series

• 🫂 Most importantly—a soft, quiet, structured place to belong, grow, and be witnessed

And here’s what I want you to know:
This isn’t a lifetime membership.
Just like therapy, it’s meant to be what you need, when you need it.
Come close. Stay for a season. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.
You don’t owe this space permanence. Just presence.

This is a come-as-you-are kind of home.
No pressure. Just invitation.

And to my free readers—

Nothing is changing for you. I haven’t forgotten you and I never will.
You’ll still receive:

• 📚 One research-backed scholarly article per week

• 🕯️ One Soft Note™ each week (a shorter reflection or prompt)

• 🧭 Access to Quests—the gamified, interactive learning journeys and reflection experiences

• ✍🏽 Occasional bonus notes, podcast-style reflections, and check-ins

Whether you stay free or step into the Sanctuary, Your presence means everything.
You belong here.

I created this space for all of us who are tired of shouting to be seen.
This is a come-closer kind of membership.

We’re building it one light beam at a time.
And if you feel the pull I’ll be there. Waiting for you to come learn with me!

Come as you are. Where you are. 🫶🏽
—Sav