As a clinician, I spend a lot of time teaching people how to find their voice. For people-pleasers, over-functioners, and chronic “shrinkers,” this work is necessary, a part of the life mission we must face; otherwise we risk being a drifter in the loop. Many of us were conditioned to make ourselves smaller in order to maintain peace in relationships. As a result, learning how to speak up, set boundaries, and advocate for ourselves becomes a crucial developmental step in reclaiming agency.
But—big but… there is a side of this conversation that rarely gets explored.
Sometimes the pendulum swings too far in the other direction. The person who once struggled to speak at all can move into a state where they feel the need to respond to everything. Every interaction becomes something to analyze, challenge, or defend against. At that point, speaking up stops being an act of sovereignty and starts becoming a symptom of an unregulated nervous system. Think rescue dog that is afraid of a bag blowing in the wind. It’s not scared of a bag? It just has to learn the rhythm of the wind. When the nervous system is stuck in what I call the Activated Survival Self (ASS), it stops behaving like a calm observer of reality and starts acting more like a narrative architect. It begins scanning the environment for threats the same way a safari guide scans the horizon for lions or the way a sniper stays locked in searching for the target. The problem is that when the nervous system has been trained to expect danger everywhere, it will often begin painting lions onto the faces of people who were simply walking through the grass. In other words, if the brain expects danger and cannot find it, it may start inventing it. Creating it out of thin air because, sitting in the truth that it was just a mirage created by their own internal world. That would require self-ownership, accountability of the untrained stallion of the mind and nervous system. Work that belongs to them that they have neglected.
This is how the reactivity trap forms. People move from people-pleasing into advocating, but the shift overshoots the mark and lands in hyper-defensiveness. When every bag blowing in the wind feels like a threat, you are no longer practicing advocacy—you are living as a hostage to hyper-vigilance. A large part of this process happens through the lenses we wear in our minds. Psychology calls these lenses schemas. Schemas are mental templates built through past experiences that shape how we interpret the present moment. They help the brain make quick sense of the world, but they also have a powerful bias built into them.
If you are wearing red glasses, everything looks red.
If someone enters a workplace already carrying the schema that “people here are judging me,” their brain will automatically filter the environment through that expectation. The colleague who admires their work becomes invisible. The neutral facial expression becomes suspicious. The person who didn’t hold the elevator suddenly becomes proof that the environment is hostile. What we are witnessing in those moments is confirmation bias amplified by the amygdala. The brain’s threat detection system is wired to notice anything that confirms its predictions while ignoring evidence that contradicts them. Neuroscientists call this predictive processing, where the brain constantly uses past experiences to guess what is happening in the present moment (Barrett, 2017). So basically, in Sav language. We are sitting in the hippocampus archives projecting the collection of events we find in there onto the environment and people in it. Painting the faces onto the lions.
When the nervous system is activated, the brain doesn’t just observe reality. It begins directing a movie about it. Our committee in our minds (think inside out) They are up there directing each scene. This is where energy begins to leak into the environment in ways people rarely realize. Human beings are extremely sensitive to emotional signals. Research on emotional contagion shows that we unconsciously mirror one another’s physiological states through subtle cues like posture, tone, and facial expression. If someone enters a room carrying the energy of suspicion or defense, other nervous systems pick up on it immediately.
You cannot emit the frequency of “stay away from me” and then feel confused when people keep their distance.
When others sense that guarded energy, they often respond by giving space. But here is the painful irony of our human behavior. The ASS interprets that distance not as respect for a boundary, but as confirmation of rejection or prejudice. In that moment a feedback loop is created (schema). The person’s hyper-vigilance pushes people away, and the resulting distance becomes proof that their fears were justified. What started as a protective strategy ends up creating the very isolation the person was afraid of.
I see this dynamic appear it’s pesky head across cultural lines as well. Whether the narrative is built around race, gender, class, or social status, there is a human tendency to turn entire groups into symbolic stand-ins for personal insecurity. It is far easier for the mind to say, “They are the problem,” than it is to acknowledge that the nervous system itself may be overwhelmed. True psychological resilience involves the ability to pause long enough to question the story the mind is telling. Sometimes the person in front of you is simply another human being with their own internal world. Sometimes the reaction you are feeling is less about the present moment and more about a memory archive your nervous system has not yet processed.
The hippocampus is basically the archive center. It stores past experiences that the amygdala then uses to detect potential threats in the environment. Imagine opening a memory box of picture all holding the image of painful events “imprints” from your time line. We basically throw those events onto the present moment. When those memories are unresolved, the brain can begin projecting old pain onto new situations. What feels like an immediate reaction to the present moment is often the nervous system sitting inside of that memory box. In psychology, this process is closely related to projection and cognitive distortions. Mind-reading, for example, occurs when we assume we know what another person is thinking without actual evidence. Labeling occurs when we assign a global negative trait to someone or an entire group based on limited information. Both distortions simplify the world into easy categories so the brain can feel more in control of uncertainty.
Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory also helps explain this phenomenon through the concept of neuroception, the nervous system’s unconscious ability to detect safety or threat. When someone has experienced repeated trauma or exclusion, their safety meter can become miscalibrated. A neutral glance can register as hostility. A moment of silence can feel like rejection.
Pause for a moment.
As a multicultural woman, the situation I see A LOT is the concept of white people being unsafe. Since being back in California visiting. If I had a dollar for every time I heard “ugh they are so racist.” It drives me bonkers because how the hell do you know that simply by walking past a person who looks different than you? It’s such a statement of ignorance and reveals your ASS. White people have become the scapegoat for many people and their own unhealed and unacknowledged fears. Fears that quite frankly are being perpetuated by the media. How will you feel safe with people who do not look like you if all you ever do is hang around sameness? How are we so entitled to demand grace for our fear of coming out of our comfort zone. Yet, do not extend that grace outwardly? How can you come in with an energy of judgment, emit that outwardly than snap at people for becoming tense around you? Feels like waking on eggshell energy and I wonder how many of use feel that way.
If the ASS inside say “yeah but white people—-” shhhhhhh inner child, what has a white person done to you that you are not already doing to yourself?
The nervous system reacts before the thinking mind has time to investigate.
Over time, if someone only spends time with people who reinforce their existing worldview, this hyper-vigilance never gets challenged. Social psychologists refer to this as the absence of intergroup contact, a concept first studied by Gordon Allport. His research showed that meaningful interactions between different groups significantly reduce prejudice and fear. When we remain in self-segregated environments, the nervous system never has the opportunity to retrain itself to feel safe around difference. This contagion even impacts people within the white community. As someone who is white, black, and Native America (Muscogee 🥰) I have seen it with my family. Those who are white no longer feel safe around people who look like them. This is due to the need to feel belonging with their family and if they have family that are POC they choose to belong there and adopt the schema of that group whatever that is.
Many times I believe, the judgment we feel is really just the vulnerability of feeling naked— being in a different environment and around difference. That naked feeling goes away the more we practice and train the nervous system to learn there is no threat around difference.
Avoidance keeps the schema alive.
This is why developing discernment is so important in psychological growth. Advocacy and awareness are essential, but they must be balanced with curiosity and self-reflection. Otherwise, the brain’s survival system can quietly transform into a narrative machine that interprets every ambiguous interaction as confirmation of danger. That’s exhausting for you. When that happens, the world begins to look like a field full of lions—even when most of the people walking through it are just trying to get through their day. A simple practice can help interrupt this pattern. Before reacting or “calling something out,” pause long enough to perform what I call a reality audit. First, notice what is happening in your body. Are your shoulders tight? Is your chest constricted? Is your mind racing ahead of the evidence? Naming the sensation helps bring the nervous system back into awareness. You can name it… “Ahh the ASS is online…”
Next, identify the story your brain is telling. What assumption are you making about the other person’s intentions? Once the story is clear, challenge it by imagining at least three alternative explanations for the situation. (if your mind rejects those truths, note that down, you just discovered the entrance into your limiting belief realm. Understanding that perhaps the person is curious rather than judgmental. Perhaps they are distracted by something happening in their own life. Perhaps they admire you and simply feel intimidated. There are so many other possibilities besides… “they’re a racist, they're phobic, they are jealous.”
Finally, take a slow breath and consciously soften the defensive posture your body may be holding. Allow yourself to make brief eye contact without the shield of assumption. This is softening the field allowing yourself to be seen as the softer you and not the hypervigilent ASS. Often the “lion” that seemed so threatening disappears once the nervous system stops projecting the content of the hippocampus archives onto the people in the environment. None of this means ignoring real prejudice or injustice. Those realities exist and deserve to be addressed with clarity and courage. But psychological maturity requires the ability to differentiate between what is happening in the present moment and what the nervous system is replaying from the past. What is real injustice, and what’s truly you creating injustice for yourself by disconnecting you from connection.
If we never learn to question the stories our survival system tells us, we risk becoming people who judge others before we truly know them. In that moment, the lion we were so certain was standing in front of us may have been something we painted there ourselves.
Let me know what came up for you with this time.
I love seeing your comments, your shares of what was challenging. Thank you all for sitting in the muck with me. My heart is so full 🥰
Till next time.
Come as you are where you are.
References & Further Reading
For readers who want to explore the psychology and neuroscience concepts referenced in this essay, the following works provide foundational research and accessible explanations of how the nervous system, perception, and social cognition shape human behavior.
Predictive Processing & Constructed Emotion
Barrett, Lisa Feldman. (2017).
How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain.
Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Barrett’s work explains how the brain constantly predicts what is happening in the present moment using past experiences stored in memory. Rather than reacting purely to the external world, the brain constructs emotional experiences based on prior learning, which helps explain why unresolved memories can shape how we interpret people and situations.
Extended Reading
Barrett, Lisa Feldman. (2020).
Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain.
Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
A shorter and very accessible explanation of predictive brain theory and how perception is shaped by prior experience.
Polyvagal Theory & Neuroception
Porges, Stephen W. (2011).
The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation.
W. W. Norton & Company.
Porges introduces the concept of neuroception, the nervous system’s unconscious process of detecting safety or danger. When this system becomes dysregulated due to trauma or chronic stress, neutral interactions can be perceived as threats.
Extended Reading
Porges, Stephen W. & Dana, Deb. (2018).
Clinical Applications of the Polyvagal Theory.
W. W. Norton & Company.
Provides practical applications of polyvagal theory in therapy, trauma recovery, and nervous system regulation.
Cognitive Distortions & Schema Theory
Young, Jeffrey E., Klosko, Janet S., & Weishaar, Marjorie E. (2003).
Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide.
Guilford Press.
This book outlines how early life experiences create schemas, or mental templates that shape how individuals interpret relationships, safety, and belonging. Schemas influence perception, often operating outside of conscious awareness.
Extended Reading
Beck, Aaron T. (1976).
Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders.
Penguin Books.
Beck’s foundational work on cognitive distortions explains mechanisms such as mind-reading, labeling, and confirmation bias, which influence how people interpret social interactions.
Emotional Contagion & Social Signal Transmission
Hatfield, Elaine, Cacioppo, John T., & Rapson, Richard L. (1993).
Emotional Contagion.
Cambridge University Press.
This research explores how human beings unconsciously mirror each other’s emotional and physiological states through facial expression, posture, tone, and subtle cues. Emotional states can spread through social environments without conscious awareness.
Intergroup Contact Theory
Allport, Gordon W. (1954).
The Nature of Prejudice.
Addison-Wesley.
Allport’s work introduced Intergroup Contact Theory, which demonstrates that meaningful interaction between members of different groups significantly reduces prejudice and fear. Avoidance and social segregation tend to reinforce stereotypes and perceived threat.
Extended Reading
Pettigrew, Thomas F., & Tropp, Linda R. (2006).
A Meta-Analytic Test of Intergroup Contact Theory.
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
This large-scale study confirms that intergroup contact consistently reduces prejudice across cultures and social contexts.
Fear Learning & the Threat Detection System
LeDoux, Joseph. (1996).
The Emotional Brain: The Mysterious Underpinnings of Emotional Life.
Simon & Schuster.
LeDoux’s work explains how the amygdala processes threat and fear, often reacting before conscious thought has time to evaluate a situation.
Extended Reading
Sapolsky, Robert M. (2017).
Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst.
Penguin Press.
A comprehensive look at how biology, culture, and environment shape human behavior, including threat perception, bias, and group dynamics.
Trauma, Perception & Nervous System Conditioning
Maté, Gabor. (2022).
The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture.
Avery.
Maté explores how trauma and social environments shape nervous system responses, influencing perception, health, and relational behavior.
Extended Reading
van der Kolk, Bessel. (2014).
The Body Keeps the Score.
Penguin Books.
Explains how trauma becomes encoded in the nervous system and body, affecting perception, emotional regulation, and interpersonal relationships.
Additional Psychological Foundations
Kahneman, Daniel. (2011).
Thinking, Fast and Slow.
Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
Kahneman’s work explains cognitive shortcuts and biases that shape human decision-making and perception.
If You Want to Explore This Topic Further
If this essay resonated with you, the areas of psychology worth exploring include:
Predictive Brain Theory
Polyvagal Theory
Schema Therapy
Cognitive Distortions
Intergroup Contact Theory
Trauma and Nervous System Regulation
Social Signal Transmission and Emotional Contagion
Each of these frameworks contributes to understanding how the human brain interprets safety, threat, and social relationships.
The key takeaway across all of them is simple but profound: The brain does not simply observe reality. It interprets it through memory, expectation, and nervous system state. Sometimes, the lions we see in the field are not actually there.
Sometimes they are projections from the archive we carry within us.