The Economy Of Distrust
Why modern culture profits from our fear and how our nervous systems pay the price
Culturally, we are trained to distrust. I see it ESPECIALLY in those who have watched it in their parents or the adults around us growing up.
The issue today is cheating isn’t just something people fear; it’s marketed.
Reality TV thrives on it. Songs glorify it. Algorithms amplify it. Whats occuring within our nervous systems is comfortability. Now we are getting use to it despite it causing distress— developing fluentcy in suspicion.
We scroll through betrayal and call it entertainment, so many are down to share the chisme (gossip) of others and wonder why love feels unsafe?
This topic squirrels my mind into the ColdPlay kiss cam scandal from this summer.
The viral couple that was having an affair and the amount of people it hit because Coldplay pointed it out live. The thing is….Had the couple not even moved, done nothing, acted naturally for a kiss cam—no one would have even noticed. What’s ironic is so many publicly shamed these people while they, down here in their lived reality. Have multiple fires running wild through their own lives, families, and relationships.
I work with clients every day living two lives.
Having affairs.
Cheating. Lying. Living double lives. Honestly, I think it’s for the thrill. We get addicted to those waves. Especially if we were born or even grew up riding within them. We start getting selective as a society about who we choose to shame publicly for doing something many are currently participating in. See how we as society do this? Cherry-pick what to be mad at to avoid our own internal shame.
Affect Theory & Media Conditioning
Repeated exposure to media that glorifies infidelity, secrecy, or love triangles has been shown to normalize deceptive behavior and reduce relationship satisfaction over time (Nathanson, 1992; Reinecke & Oliver, 2017). Dr. Donald Nathanson’s Affect Theory explains that chronic exposure to stimulating, high‑drama content creates a baseline of emotional arousal that real‑life intimacy can’t match. As a result, people feel “bored” in healthy relationships and scan for the dopamine spikes found in dysfunction.
Let me tell you. All my trauma ladies— many of you are praying for a healthy man and finally have one. And now you’re finding anything to fixate on to be upset about and it’s usually sex, the way he dresses, but most importantly boredom.
Social Learning & Cheating as Entertainment
According to Social Learning Theory (Bandura, 1977), we don’t just watch behavior, we absorb it. Especially when it’s rewarded with attention, likes, and viral status. In today’s culture, cheating isn’t always framed as a betrayal—it’s a plot twist. A cliffhanger. A trending topic. The more we consume these storylines, the more they imprint into our subconscious
Over time, betrayal becomes familiar.
Pop quiz! What do we know about our nervous system? What have we been learning while on our safari?
That what’s familiar for the nervous system? Feels true.
So even when someone is being honest with us, our nervous system doesn’t trust it. We default to suspicion. Even if they are saying something positive. Not because there’s any evidence to confirm it except our own bias, but because we’ve been trained by the macro level to expect the twist. Macro level? Echo chambers of the internet, communities, societal norms, culture, etc.
🧙🏽♀️Wizard Cue: If your mirror neurons binge-watch betrayal, your relationships will start to feel like plot lines of those same dynamics. Not partnerships.
See how micro level behaviors condition perception?
We were never meant to live inside other people’s breakups, scandals, or intimate moments. But now? We almost expect and even demand that people hand those moments over. We call it “vulnerability,” but what we really mean is emotional access and some of us feel “unsafe” if we’re not given it. Today, due to influencers online showing us everything, we’ve grown entitled to intimacy that doesn’t belong to us. I’m seeing it more and more: a lot of us are reenacting these dramas the same way little kids reenact phone conversations—mimicking what we see the adults do with the cell phone.
The difference? We’re not playing pretend.
We’re reenacting the emotional scripts we’ve absorbed, without even realizing it. And often, we’re doing it inside our own relationships.
🧙🏽♀️ ✨WIZARD CUE: Self Check
Look at the last five posts, songs, or shows you consumed. What emotion do they teach your body to expect— connection, chaos, betrayal, hope?
What is your algorithm training your nervous system to look for? To scan for? To accuse your partner of?
Friday Reflection: Cognitive Feng Shui Edition
As you head into the weekend whether you’re surrounded by people or sitting in sacred solitude. Have a go at a little cognitive cleanup.
What beliefs about love, safety, and partnership are still living rent-free in your mental blueprint?
Are they serving you? Or are they just familiar?
What would happen if those feelings and thoughts were not there. What else would you mind focus on?
This is your invitation to practice a little cognitive restructuring:
Rearrange the furniture of your mind so it actually fits the relationship you want to live in not the one you were handed.
Also understand in order to receive the very love you crave. You have to become the person that can receive it.
Ask yourself:
What did I inherit as “truth” about relationships?
Who taught me what love is supposed to feel like?
Do I feel safe with safety? Or do I still crave the chaos?
At the end of the day, distrust isn’t a personality trait…it’s a conditioning pattern. Think about it, how would we have known to distrust in the first place? Where would we have known it was distrust or that there was anything but distrust that existed? Also, if all you know is distrust do you even know the version of you on the receiving end of loyalty?
Until next time Data Collectors.
Let me know what came up for you this time.
Come as you are where you are.
— Sav 🫶🏽
📚 References (Used in This Article)
Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice‑Hall.
Nathanson, D. L. (1992). Shame and pride: Affect, sex, and the birth of the self. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.
Reinecke, L., & Oliver, M. B. (2017). The Routledge handbook of media use and well‑being: International perspectives on theory and research on positive media effects. New York, NY: Routledge.
Further Reading & Exploration
Want to go deeper? Here are 3 powerful books that explore how media, nervous systems, and attachment conditioning collide:
Deviced by Doreen Dodgen‑Magee (2019)
→ Explores how overstimulation rewires emotional baselines and sabotages relational satisfaction.
The Neuroscience of Human Relationships by Louis Cozolino (2nd Ed., 2014)
→ A beautiful breakdown of how our brains learn intimacy and why safety sometimes feels boring when we’re used to chaos.
Stolen Focus by Johann Hari (2022)
→ Offers a cultural lens on attention loops, digital hijacking, and how overstimulation chips away at clarity, trust, and connection.