The Trauma Olympics: How Victimhood Became a Currency (and Why Healing Disqualifies You)

You want others to prove they've been hurt, not because you want to understand them, but so you can feel safe with the judgment that's within you.

Welcome to the Trauma Olympics!!
Where healing gets you disqualified and the gold medal is moral superiority.

It’s a seductive game: whoever suffered the most wins. But what exactly are we winning?

Because it’s sure as hell not peace.
It’s not nervous system regulation.
And it’s definitely not collective healing.

The Difference Between Victimization and Victimhood

Victimization refers to the process by which an individual is harmed, oppressed, or subjected to abuse, exploitation, or injustice, typically through the actions of another person, group, or systemic force. It includes physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, or structural harm and can be acute (a single event) or chronic (ongoing trauma).

— American Psychological Association (APA) Dictionary of Psychology, 2023

Examples:

• Being assaulted, harassed, discriminated against, neglected, or otherwise harmed

• Experiencing violence, systemic oppression, or relational abuse

📚 “Trauma is the result of an overwhelming experience of helplessness, which often accompanies victimization.”
— van der Kolk (2014), The Body Keeps the Score

⚠️ It’s also important to clarify: not every emotional injury is discrimination.
Discrimination has a legal and clinical definition it refers to unjust treatment based on specific, protected characteristics like race, gender, disability, religion, or age. Just because something hurt your feelings or made you uncomfortable does not automatically qualify as discrimination.
If we start to label every interpersonal tension or disagreement as a form of victimization, we dilute the severity of actual harm and we risk turning personal discomfort into a weaponized identity.

If you zoom out far enough from self, you can see its already occurring at the micro level.

Victimhood is a psychological state or identity in which a person internalizes the role of the victim, perceiving themselves as perpetually harmed, morally superior, and powerless in the face of external events— even when no current threat exists. It often includes emotional entitlement, avoidance of responsibility, and a chronic focus on past injustice as the organizing principle of one’s identity.

— Adapted from Schore (2003), Herman (1997), & Bar-Tal et al. (2009)

Characteristics:

• Identity is centered on one’s suffering

• May result in learned helplessness, emotional reactivity, or moral superiority

• Reinforced in echo chambers, trauma communities, or social dynamics that reward outrage

📚 “Victimhood becomes toxic when it shifts from a description of experience to a demand for exemption from growth.”
— Frankl (1946), Man’s Search for Meaning (interpretive)

Now that we went ahead and cleared that up…

Let’s get something straight: Victimization is real. It’s valid. It happens.
None of this is up for debate.

But victimhood — as in living from your wounds and making pain your personality is a completely different phenomenon, and I am going to name it.

📚 “Victimization is an event. Victimhood is an identity.”
(Herman, 1997; Frankl, 1946)

When your entire worldview begins orbiting around what was done to you, rather than what you are doing now, pause and ask yourself. How is that healing?

It’s not.

It’s a form of identity-based stagnation.

And let me say something that might sting: You can be victimized without making it your identity badge.

(I can hear the mob sharpening their pitchforks…)

But many people today aren’t taught that.
We’ve confused recognition with residency. ← Did you catch that?
And now, we live in a culture that confuses emotional intensity with truth.

How Echo Chambers Reinforce the Wound

When someone says, “You can’t talk about trauma unless you’ve lived my trauma,”
what they’re actually saying is:

“Your insight is only valid if it emotionally matches my pain.”

And that my dears, is a narcissistic Injury using social justice language to enforce sameness… (Let the nervous system marinate in that…)

It’s a nervous system grasping for mirroring, its where whataboutmeism begins…

📚 “Hyper-personalized trauma filters prevent integration. We confuse familiarity with safety.”
(van der Kolk, 2014; Cozolino, 2010)

You’re not wrong for wanting to feel seen.
But when you require others to match your story to hear them, that’s no longer healing
That’s curation.
That’s emotional control.
That’s using the algorithm to self-sooth what you won’t face within yourself. So essentially, you are outsourcing YOUR interpersonal work to the people of the algorithm. Some of us have no clue that we are dong it.

What Trauma-Informed Isn’t

Being trauma-informed isn’t about walking on eggshells or tiptoeing around truth.

It’s about understanding nervous system reactivity, perception distortion, and emotional reasoning, while STILL being able to zoom out and hold truth without collapsing.

But right now?

We’re seeing a massive wave of emotional entitlement hiding under the umbrella of awareness. (Peek-a-boo, I found you :)

If you constantly say:

• “You don’t get to speak on this.”

• “This video is dangerous.”

• “This content didn’t name the exact nuance I wanted it to, so it must be harmful…”

That’s not discernment.
That’s reactivity

And that’s why healing content can feel like a threat
Because if your nervous system is addicted to chaos, clarity will feel like betrayal.

📚 “Policing nuance is often a disguised survival response.”
(Porges, 2011; Dana, 2018)

The Real Enemy: Control in the Name of Healing

Here’s the shadow truth:

Some of y’all don’t want healing.
You want control.

You want the world to conform to your trauma lens.
You want to feel like the most harmed so no one can question you.
You want content that reaffirms your identity as a victim — not content that shows you how to exit the identity altogether.

That’s why people panic when my content doesn’t benefit their side.
Suddenly, I’m the villain.

“What if someone misuses this video?”
Translation: “What if I don’t feel protected by it?”

But here’s the thing:

That’s not my job.

You don’t get to emotionally police educators because your internal system is still activated.
You don’t get to hijack content because your nervous system demands safety over truth.

📚 “Emotional reasoning is the cognitive distortion of believing something is true simply because it feels true.”
(Beck, 1979; Leahy, 2003)

🪞 Grasping: How Unprocessed Pain Grabs for Control

When you feel powerless, your body looks for something to grab.
Something to grasp.

A label.
A cause.
An identity.
A diagnosis.
A community that confirms your story.

But that’s a survival response, not a sustainable solution.

Grasping keeps you in a loop where the external world must constantly change so you feel safe— instead of you doing the internal work to expand your capacity.

📚 “Gaslighting isn’t always intentional. It often arises from unintegrated trauma.”
(Perry & Szalavitz, 2006)

When You Try to Silence the Messenger

A lot of you think you’re reacting to “abusive content” but you’re actually reacting to someone not mirroring your narrative.

The moment I speak to something outside of your lived trauma, or beyond your emotional vocabulary, I become a threat.

And that’s a pattern.

Not just online.

You do it to your therapist.
Your coach.
Your friend.
Your partner.
Anyone who reflects a truth your nervous system isn’t ready for.

I shine a light on a friend’s blindspot by asking “ well how does your husband feel about your male friend” suddenly I am “therapizing” and not “supporting.” Why? because I highlighted a double standard you refuse to see? So because I refuse to cosign the ignoring of that double standard I am the villain now?

This is why ‘girls girl’ mentality is a form of blind loyalty.

📚 “Neutral truth will always feel threatening to a nervous system addicted to outrage.”
(Schore, 2003; Ogden et al., 2006)

This is why “trauma-informed” has become an aesthetic — not a skillset.
It’s a buzzword you use to demand gentle mirrors while silencing challenging ones.

I was having a session with a teenager the other day, 15 I believe. I got to taste her worldview a little. She said, “Yeah, that girl doesn’t really have an aesthetic about her.” And it hit me — we’re not looking at people as people anymore. We’re looking at them as templates. As aesthetics we can either copy, mirror, idolize, or dismiss. We’re treating people like avatars, curated symbols we assign meaning to — rather than full human beings with contradictions, context, and complexity.
We want to look like something instead of live like something. And half the time, we’re mimicking what an aesthetic represents without ever embodying the values or behaviors it was supposed to signal in the first place.
It’s a form of identity projection, one that gives the illusion of alignment without any actual integration.

So when my work shows up on your algorithmic feed, because it sensed you either would resonate with the context or react to it. that’s what my portal is for— to be a mirror.

But guess what?

Not all mirrors are soft.
Some show you the shit you haven’t cleaned up yet.

From Learned Helplessness to Resilient Reclamation

Victimhood is seductive because it protects you from responsibility.

If your trauma is always center stage, no one can call you out.
If you keep repeating your diagnosis, you never have to change your behavior.

But what happens when the world stops catering to your pain?

That’s the moment you either evolve — or collapse.

📚 “Deflection, invalidation, and reversal are often unconscious strategies to protect a victim identity.”
(Herman, 1997; Schwartz, 1995)

True trauma-informed work doesn’t coddle your nervous system.
It trains it. Like a muscle.

If all you ever do is emotionally collapse when challenged, you’re not trauma-informed
You’re trauma-entitled.

And if that sentence made your chest tighten…
Breathe.
Pause.

This isn’t an attack.
It’s an invitation.

Marination Time: Stop Performing. Start Integrating.

There’s a difference between being in pain
and using your pain.

There’s a difference between raising awareness
and demanding allegiance.

Healing isn’t about proving you’ve suffered the most.
It’s about reclaiming your life — even if no one claps for you.
Even if you never get the medal.

Because the real medal?

Is true emotional freedom.

It looks like showing up for the little you inside, that YOU keep abandoning every time you enter into the trauma olympics arena, when no one asked you too.

If this post activated something in you — sit with it.
Pause.
Reflect.
Breathe.

Then ask:

“Am I asking for healing or control?”

You don’t need to win the Trauma Olympics.
You just need to come home to yourself.

Much love,

References

• Beck, A. T. (1979). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders.

• Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy.

• Frankl, V. (1946). Man’s Search for Meaning.

• Herman, J. (1997). Trauma and Recovery.

• Leahy, R. (2003). Cognitive Therapy Techniques.

• Levine, P. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma.

• Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the Body.

• Perry, B., & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog.

• Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory.

• Schore, A. (2003). Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self.

• Schwartz, R. (1995). Internal Family Systems Therapy.

• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score.

• Cozolino, L. (2010). The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy.

🌀 I want to graciously thank all my new subscribers, for joining me on this corner of the internet. Subscribe for more trauma-informed truth bombs, uncomfortable insights, and nervous system wisdom that actually moves the needle.

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