Character Over Biology

Hormones are real, but they aren't a hall pass for emotional volatility.

As I scroll through social media, I am constantly reminded that these platforms have become a breeding ground for emotional immaturity. Everywhere you look, there are women smearing, blaming, and dissecting men in ways that aren’t just critical they’re malignant.

This is the toxic byproduct of the “blind loyalty” mob. It is exactly why I refuse the “girls’ girl” label: because I know exactly how manipulative women can be.

In my professional world, I work with women struggling with mental health issues and hormonal imbalances. I see firsthand how these struggles are frequently used as a license to be cruel, mean, and detached toward their husbands. Yet, the moment a man mirrors even a fraction of that behavior, these same women collapse. The “hate men club” operates on a blatant double standard that I have zero interest in joining.

As a woman who has no problem saying, "I need my man," I see many women suck their teeth at that. They've been conditioned to think needing a man makes you weak, and that pointing out a woman's toxic behavior makes you a traitor.

Let’s unpack why.

Working with women who are chronically unaccountable and externalize blame is easily one of the most challenging aspects of my career. Especially because I have a mother wound that many women can reawaken with how quickly they split into loving you as long as you validate them.

Women often “drag” their husbands into my office, assuming that because I’ve helped them before, or because I’m a woman I’m automatically an ally for their side. I don’t pick sides. I could care less how many people in my comment section disagree with that. There are always three sides to every story, and I have witnessed a shit-ton of Academy Award-winning performances in the therapeutic space.

When a woman assumes I’ll side with her just because we share the same biology, it highlights that toxic “blind loyalty” expectation. I won’t back down. I will shut a session down, and you will forfeit your fee. Women love to use bullying to force compliance; I’ve seen it professionally and personally. When a woman tries to intimidate me into agreement, it gives me a very clear inkling of what happens behind closed doors at home.

This is exactly why so many men request to work with me. They feel safe knowing I am here to bridge the gap, not to join the mob. Trust me, the amount of professionals that automatically believe a woman’s tears is quite alarming if you ask me.

But it isn’t just about marriages.

Women are frequently the primary victims of other women—in the workplace, in friendships, and within family systems. Many of us have endured the wrath of female emotional volatility. These are the same women who are quick to call you “green” or “unprofessional” because you’re the first person to finally name the diagnosis that therapists before were too afraid to say out loud. Let that sit in.

We have professionals that are too afraid to tell clients important information. I have an issue with that.

I have been bullied by women and I have been hurt by men. Yet, I still refuse to co-sign the “man-hating” mob.

Look at the implications: these women have sons, yet they spearhead a culture of contempt. They watch their daughters find good men and do everything in their power to sabotage it because they feel they had to “settle” or stay in a miserable dynamic themselves. They’ve acquired a debt they never should have had, and now they’re making their children and partners pay it back with interest.

How do women learn to regulate themselves without making it their child’s job or their partner’s burden? That is the accountability my work demands.

As I zoom out, I see the same pattern everywhere. We can look at the data on Postpartum Depression (PPD) and find ways to twist the science to confirm it’s always the man’s fault—la la la, the refrain goes. But at the end of the day, ladies:

You still chose that man.

Why is that so hard to swallow? Because admitting you chose him means admitting you bypassed your own intuition. You ignored the red flags long before the pregnancy test was positive. You saw the signs, you felt the gut-punch of doubt, and you stayed anyway.

To avoid that soul-crushing embarrassment, women perform psychological backflips to flip the script and keep the focus on the man “harming” them. In psychology, we see this play out through two specific forms of cognitive dissonance:

• Sweet Lemons (Ideation): This is when you convince yourself that the mediocre (or toxic) situation you’re in is actually “sweet.” You tell yourself, “He’s just misunderstood,” or “His potential is so great,” to justify why you stayed when you knew better. You sugarcoat a lemon because you can’t admit you bought a bad fruit.

• Sour Grapes (Devaluation): Once the “Sweet Lemon” act fails, the script flips. Now, everything about him and the commitment you made is “sour.” You devalue the entire relationship to justify your current vitriol, completely bypassing the fact that you were the one who signed the contract.

These aren’t just quirks; they are tools used to roll-reverse your way out of accountability. By making him the ultimate villain, you never have to face the woman in the mirror who let herself down. You make it a “tit-for-tat” war because if you can keep him on the defense, no one is looking at your lack of discernment.

So, when will you be accountable for your choice? It’s easier to externalize blame because it allows you to bypass the shame of your own participation. But until you own the choice, you’ll keep making the same one— just with a different face.

The Traitor Within and the Narcissistic Pivot

We have to talk about the “traitor within.” As Jessica Anne Pressler identifies in her work, many of us—myself included—have had our fair share of abusive partners and cheaters. Why? Because that internal traitor guides us toward people who mirror our own limiting beliefs. When you don’t believe you’re worthy of more, you subconsciously match with a partner who confirms that bias. I remember first hand before I married my husband. I guided myself to emotionally unavailable partner that confirmed the way I felt about myself. Cheated, lied, and was even emotionally and physically abusive.

This is how you end up with an algorithm of unaccountable women mobbing up in the comment sections. They aren’t just “venting”; they are actively sabotaging their own ability to ever find or sustain a relationship with a good man. Women are trauma bonding with other women who also hate men and creating an emotional frequency of emotions that don’t serve them at all. but…. Zoom out, how are women Mobbin’ online against men but still swiping right? You are literally looking for a man in a frequency of anger, rage, resentment, hurt, etc. You meet a man in that emotional frequency AND get pregnant?

Think about that….

How we keep bringing children into this world without understanding this is beyond me. Giving birth and raising children changes a woman fundamentally—biologically, emotionally, and spiritually. But we have to acknowledge that the good men in our lives are watching this transformation from the outside, often with no map for what is occurring within the women they love.

We cannot demand grace while refusing to give it.

This is where the behavior becomes undeniably narcissistic. Many women I work with harbor a deep, simmering resentment because their birth was traumatizing or because they were scared and the man didn’t have to “go through it.” They use that pain as a lifelong justification for emotional volatility.

Let’s be clear: Hormones may create confusion and instability, but your character is what decides whether you allow what is happening inside of you to harm those outside of you. Using your biology as a hall pass to be a tyrant isn’t “feminine empowerment”—it’s a character flaw. A character flaw we must learn to own if we ever wish to ascend out of the basement and into the levels where better quality people live. The catch. You have to do the work to get the higher levels.

The Path to Worthy Love

I don’t speak from a place of judgment; I speak from experience. Before I met my husband, I was in a volatile, abusive relationship. I know the darkness of that “traitor within”. But even in the wreckage, I never gave up on the belief that a good man existed. Finding him wasn’t a stroke of luck—it was work, interpersonal work. Especially as a military spouse, that work started with burning the scripts that didn’t serve me. I had to step into radical accountability. I had to learn the skills and tools to pull us out of the mud in seasons where communication failed and emotions ran high.

This month, we celebrate eight years together. 🥰 The “mud” we’ve waded through was worth every second, because we didn’t use our pain as a weapon—we used it as a catalyst to grow. We learned to pause when conflict starts, and I had to learn that despite fights in the past experiences being weaponized against me, used to control me. Conflict with my husband didn’t mean it was over. It meant that we were both authentically showing up as ourselves and learning to work through those differences with compromise instead of control.

To the women who believe there isn’t a “good man” out there: That is a lie. The truth is, we have to develop into the women that a good man deserves. That is the price of a healthy life, and it’s a price many have become too entitled to pay. You don’t get treated well simply because you are a woman. You get treated well because of your character and how you treat yourself.

Stop looking for a mob to validate your bitterness. Start looking in the mirror to find your accountability. The bridge to a better life is right there, waiting for you to stop performing and start growing.

I say this with love.

Till next time Data collectors.

Come as you are where you are.