Thank you so much for your writing. So much of this dynamic you write about enabled my wife's affair and severe dismissive avoidance and harmful behavior for years. A counselor literally claimed it was my fault that she made decisions to exit our marriage while we were married. This same therapist later disclosed she had an affair too. It was only after I initiated a separation that my wife's self denail shattered and with it the entire facade that many women enabled, including friends and family. Many of whom were licensed therapists. Ironically, this endless validation only helped create more pain for my wife once her self image encountered reality. And me of course, as I had to disengage from our relationship entirely for a period of time to restore my dignity.
All that said, healing is possible through relationship for both parties despite severe trauma once both partners commit to being accountable. This perspective felt impossible to embrace while I was in the depths of trauma, but the gift of suffering when combined with skill and faith is we get to choose the beliefs and meaning our our choices. One of my issus was that I was vulnerable to assuming responsibility for her behavior, due to the ego I'd built up around it being my job to protect her and our children and not wanting them to experience the chaotic upbringing I endured as a child.
Thank you again for your writing. While I don't understand all, or always agree, it's enriched my himuman experience and sharpened my perspective.
Wow thank you for being here! Reading this, your experience especially with professionals as alarming as it is does not surprise me.
I believe many professionals bypass in clients what they refuse to see in themselves. The therapist blaming you was the bias entering the room. She had to blame you because holding your wife accountable would mean holding herself accountable.
The fact that she revealed her own affair tells me she maybe knew you wouldn’t challenge that Information as she is a ‘professional’
That is extremely unfortunate. Women also do not realize how dangerous that is. The blind leading the blind.
We cosign behavior as a way to avoid facing the shame. If only men and women could see the weight they both hold. The pressure for a man to absorb all responsibility of a woman… that’s a lot. Especially when they can’t hold themselves.
Thank you for sharing, for being here and riding this safari with us. 🫶🏽🤗
I've been too afraid to name and discuss some of these same things (mom of 2 boys here)... and it is also why i am noticing that i sometime really struggle to connect and trust with with other women and my queer community, especially when it comes to seeking support in navigating the realties and underbelly of owning my hormonal rhythms. (whit the super powers of it all of course) I want more women in my circles to talk about this with... i want my elders. . Another thing that comes up for me is reflecting my childhood and how i always wanted to protect my mom, she was the "victim" and after many years of stepping back i was able to really understand what it means that "it takes two to tango" in long term relationship as we grow and carry/unpack our intergenerational behaviors and inherited disconnection and toxicity. I remember knowing at age 12 that my mom could make a choice and wanting so badly to support her in doing that. i thought that meant that i need to accept that i would be poor/homeless/under resourced if she were to make a choice that was better for her and us (she didn't think it was better for us, but i knew better, and she never made that choice). i held onto that for years and was driven to not to follow my passion, not to be a teacher, an artist, or use my voice..... and I CHOOSE follow a path that i would "ensure" i never needed to depend on a man. then i feel in love... and in my path in becoming a mother it activated a deep knowing in my body, that maybe i DID need a "man"/partner/intimacy holder, so what did i do????? i let that pendulum swing in the other direction... so here we are... and now i am working on balance, on my choice, on Showing Up... in myself, career, motherhood, and all relations...... long story short, THANK YOU.... totally resonated, and feeling into the both and of wanting/needing validation, vs a mirror that helps me see the beauty in it all. .....and in this moment i'm landing in the trust that the universe/god/source will reveal and validate me in right time, right relationship and it might come in a package i wasn't expecting ... but only after i can truly accept and allow it in my body.,,, without bypassing it to make the feeling go away
Thank you so much for your writing. So much of this dynamic you write about enabled my wife's affair and severe dismissive avoidance and harmful behavior for years. A counselor literally claimed it was my fault that she made decisions to exit our marriage while we were married. This same therapist later disclosed she had an affair too. It was only after I initiated a separation that my wife's self denail shattered and with it the entire facade that many women enabled, including friends and family. Many of whom were licensed therapists. Ironically, this endless validation only helped create more pain for my wife once her self image encountered reality. And me of course, as I had to disengage from our relationship entirely for a period of time to restore my dignity.
All that said, healing is possible through relationship for both parties despite severe trauma once both partners commit to being accountable. This perspective felt impossible to embrace while I was in the depths of trauma, but the gift of suffering when combined with skill and faith is we get to choose the beliefs and meaning our our choices. One of my issus was that I was vulnerable to assuming responsibility for her behavior, due to the ego I'd built up around it being my job to protect her and our children and not wanting them to experience the chaotic upbringing I endured as a child.
Thank you again for your writing. While I don't understand all, or always agree, it's enriched my himuman experience and sharpened my perspective.
Wow thank you for being here! Reading this, your experience especially with professionals as alarming as it is does not surprise me.
I believe many professionals bypass in clients what they refuse to see in themselves. The therapist blaming you was the bias entering the room. She had to blame you because holding your wife accountable would mean holding herself accountable.
The fact that she revealed her own affair tells me she maybe knew you wouldn’t challenge that Information as she is a ‘professional’
That is extremely unfortunate. Women also do not realize how dangerous that is. The blind leading the blind.
We cosign behavior as a way to avoid facing the shame. If only men and women could see the weight they both hold. The pressure for a man to absorb all responsibility of a woman… that’s a lot. Especially when they can’t hold themselves.
Thank you for sharing, for being here and riding this safari with us. 🫶🏽🤗
I've been too afraid to name and discuss some of these same things (mom of 2 boys here)... and it is also why i am noticing that i sometime really struggle to connect and trust with with other women and my queer community, especially when it comes to seeking support in navigating the realties and underbelly of owning my hormonal rhythms. (whit the super powers of it all of course) I want more women in my circles to talk about this with... i want my elders. . Another thing that comes up for me is reflecting my childhood and how i always wanted to protect my mom, she was the "victim" and after many years of stepping back i was able to really understand what it means that "it takes two to tango" in long term relationship as we grow and carry/unpack our intergenerational behaviors and inherited disconnection and toxicity. I remember knowing at age 12 that my mom could make a choice and wanting so badly to support her in doing that. i thought that meant that i need to accept that i would be poor/homeless/under resourced if she were to make a choice that was better for her and us (she didn't think it was better for us, but i knew better, and she never made that choice). i held onto that for years and was driven to not to follow my passion, not to be a teacher, an artist, or use my voice..... and I CHOOSE follow a path that i would "ensure" i never needed to depend on a man. then i feel in love... and in my path in becoming a mother it activated a deep knowing in my body, that maybe i DID need a "man"/partner/intimacy holder, so what did i do????? i let that pendulum swing in the other direction... so here we are... and now i am working on balance, on my choice, on Showing Up... in myself, career, motherhood, and all relations...... long story short, THANK YOU.... totally resonated, and feeling into the both and of wanting/needing validation, vs a mirror that helps me see the beauty in it all. .....and in this moment i'm landing in the trust that the universe/god/source will reveal and validate me in right time, right relationship and it might come in a package i wasn't expecting ... but only after i can truly accept and allow it in my body.,,, without bypassing it to make the feeling go away
Thank you for sharing this! Reading your words brought tears to my eyes😩
The I don’t need a man narrative feels like a protective wrap. If we never need a man/partner then we will never get hurt.
That surrender to the trust is definitely the hard part. Right there with you! 😊🫶🏽
Thank you for sharing this! Reading your words brought tears to my eyes😩
The I don’t need a man narrative feels like a protective wrap. If we never need a man/partner then we will never get hurt.
That surrender to the trust is definitely the hard part. Right there with you! 😊🫶🏽